The Zero Star Review: The Rare Rating You Wish You Could Give

And if you’re looking for the crossword clue, it’s PAN.

You’ve seen it hundreds of times. Maybe you’ve written the sentiment yourself.

“Zero if I could.”

It’s a refrain of the people, we pitiful, petty-full folk who just want our voices (and outrage) heard.

Unfortunately for us, Google doesn’t let us rate zero stars. Nor does Amazon, nor Yelp. Not Goodreads or IMDB. Not Letterboxd where you can rate as low as a Half Star, and not Just Eat which used to rate restaurants between one and SIX stars (but now has seemingly conformed to five).

No, if you want to rate something with a big old 0, you need to have a platform independent from the data hungry internet, or at least as independent as you can get these days.

Like writing for a newspaper, that obviously also publishes online.

That’s where we get to The Guardian and their recent ZERO STAR rating of All’s Fair, which can be read here. It’s really something. And that review spawned a second article chronicling the 14 other times the newspaper published zero star reviews, and a THIRD wherein the original reviewers were asked recollect what led them to their scorched earth reviews (presuming they hadn’t purged the experiences from their memories).

Let me be clear. I have never sought out any content featuring or produced by any of the Kardashian clan. I’m not knocking those who do, and I’m not saying there is ZERO value in what they do (I’ve binged Below Deck in a hotel room, after all).

But I know I’ve hated things so bad I’ve wanted to rate them a zero. And I’ll be darned if this just doesn’t hit the eyes right:

Clear as day, clear and open star-frames. You don’t need to read any of the review, but you know you want to. THAT is power.

Another Zero Star has just entered the headlines this week, that being Zero Star: The Cam Ward Story, a Tubi series which follows the path of NFL quarterback Cam Ward after being rated a “Zero Star” as a high school player, and thus no one worth recruiting.

But the zero I’m interested in at the moment is the Zero Star shirt made famous by Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins during the Mellon Collie era. A rejection of fame and the power that comes with it? An embrace of human feelings and music instead? That’s the zero I want.